Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
