he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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