why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
