Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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