Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
