Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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