I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
