Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
