this boner is exhausting
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
