I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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