My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
