So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
