a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
