you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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