Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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