When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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