Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
