my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
