I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
