Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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