i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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