Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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