my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
