omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
