Your face is a jimmy john
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
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Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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