Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
