I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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