Your dad touched me again.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
