Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
