Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
