if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
