My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
