You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
