capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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