we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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