last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
