I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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