So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
