Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
