i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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