from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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