I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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