I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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