So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
