Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
