you didnt know i had herpes?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
