He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
