I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
