I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
