ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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