just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
