When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
