I heard we made out
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
